A tossed MP Wolf

I had really debated on whether to do this blog in honour of a particular 'mother' for Mothers Day or not. And no, she isn't my mother, but she has always treated me like a daughter and a friend.

I met this lady way back in early 1980. I don't remember the exact date, but the first time I met her, was sometime between January and the end of February, when a male friend and I went to her place to pick up her son. The two guys were applying for a position within the company they worked for, in their heavy haul division and I was just going along for the ride before work. This woman apparently didn't know we were coming and her son was still in bed sleeping! Guess he forgot to mention it haha.

MM thought it wasn't anything out of the ordinary for us to pop in and invade her home like that. She was a very friendly and gracious hostess. Pretty cool lady. Her friend, M, was over visiting and they treated us both like we were already family, they were that relaxed. Sort of amazed me as I wasn't used to that. When I was growing up, unexpected guests was cause for a bit of organized chaos at times.

Anyways. The second time I got to be in the presence of this lady, I was dating her son and he took me 'home'. Little did I know that the whole darn family was at home that night. I'm not good (well, wasn't good) with unexpected situations like that. I get very bashful and very quiet. Pretty much, it was up to the other person/people to initiate conversations and ask questions to get me to say much of anything.

Having everybody 'home' was a bit like a whirlwind was going through. Compared to what I was used to, it was. There were conversations going on. One or several at the same time. Some kibitzing (teasing) and laughter. There were mom, dad, 3 boys and a girl, enjoying life, then I got tossed into it haha. Wow. The two youngest were still in school, tho almost finished.

The youngest boy, S, (about 17ish) had this nickname (and to this day, I'm still not sure why other than he's as strong as one) of Moose. The second oldest boy, J, asked me, out of the blue and as is normal in that household sort of thing, if I had ever 'goosed a moose?'. Well, I am pretty sure I probably blushed a few shades of red and said no, having already been advised of what a 'goose' was. Well then J turns to S, a few feet away, and told S to 'bend over' !!! And I thought I had blushed before ?? HA !! I'm sure I made a cooked lobster look pale with that one ! MM just laughed and told me to not mind them, I'll get used to it.

Some years later, we talked about her kids and some of the stunts they pulled and whatnot. She only said that they weren't committing any crimes, they knew what respect was, for others, and they knew when to be a gentleman. I had to agree with her on that, as they were all decent kids. She raised them with a lot of love, while instilling in them what was right, what was wrong, what she expected them as a member of the human race in good standing, etc etc. And they all loved her just as much back. How did this woman, at 4 foot 11, get three strapping boys to tow the line growing up? With a lot of love and accepting they were all different in their personalities and outlook on life, but making sure they also knew who was boss in the house as long as they were living there. But they did, and still do, love to kid around and tease one another.

And while I wasn't a daughter born to her, she loved me just as much and I knew it. And I loved her just as much back. I didn't realize it, but she had accepted me as her daughter at the very first visit. She said she knew then. She accepted me, warts and all, never criticizing, never judging what she didn't understand, always giving me the freedom to be myself. She always listened to my point of view and allowed me that, while gently expressing her point of view, but never pushing it on me, just giving me 'food for thought' and let me make my own decisions.

When my son was born, her and her friend M came to the hospital to see him the very next day. There was no way you could have kept her home, short of hog-tying her to a chair or something. And even then, I suspect she would have dragged the chair along, still attached to her backside. She fretted over the fact that he would have to have surgery by the time he was a year old. He was born with a partial cleft palette, which also left him with the inability to suck the milk out of a normal baby bottle. She grabbed that bottle that had to be specially fitted with a lambs nipple and fed her grand-baby without a second thought. Oh, she hated when she tipped him back too much, like you might with a regular baby bottle, and inadvertently forced the formula to come out his nose. She hated it for his sake more so than she caused it, saying 'it can't be comfortable for him'. He was about 3 when we found a new family doctor and said 'something isn't going right' and found out, over a few months, that this grand-baby of hers would be special. And she loved him even more, as he was God's gift to her, and us. (We/she didn't know then that he would be her only grandchild either)

This woman had a very happy outlook on life, took everything in stride, whatever it was. But heaven help you if you hurt someone she loved.

She always seemed to have this sixth sense sort of thing when I had been to see my parents recently, and walked away upset and troubled, as usual. It was more so the emotional upheaval I experienced in dealing with my mother. Issues from the past that remained unresolved. I could never figure out how she knew. Was she that in tuned with things?
Finally, one day, a few years ago, she told me. I always gave a tell-tale sign. Oh? Yeah, I would take a strand of my hair in my left hand and twirl it. I didn't even realize I was doing it. Not wishing to lay my burdens upon her, I was reluctant to talk about it. She gave me time and eventually I would tell her bits and pieces or the latest drama that was unfolding. MM would get so upset with my mom. But out of respect and compassion for me, she would never think to call my mom and give her what for without my ok. And I never gave her the ok. We would talk, she would offer advice on how I can deal with the roller-coaster of emotions my mother would invoke in me.

Oh, I'm not saying there weren't times when this lady would frustrate me a little. We were two different people, with different thoughts and opinions on things. But I did have to remember that she was also raised in a different era than I was. She was born in 1933. I was born in 1959. A bit of an age gap there. I'm sure I frustrated her a time or two also. There I was, married with a son, still trying to discover who exactly I was. But the one thing she gave of herself was time. She took the time to just sit and talk. Almost anything and everything. She talked of what it was like growing up with 12 brothers and sisters. Times being tough when she was young and the strength her mom had and what she did to help make ends meet. Her mom dying at 50. Her leaving home in eastern Canada and moving to Ontario when she was 16 to work and support herself, taking the burden off her dad. Her and I would talk about my family, my life growing up.

This woman loved this very screwed up young woman in front of her. All my warts, quirks, etc. She loved me unconditionally. She gave me the freedom to straighten myself out. And no, I didn't get involved in drugs or alcohol. But this lost soul was very lost, unhappy, and confused with life at times. She gave me time, while never straying far in case I needed her. And I was always there (or tried to be) when she needed me. We didn't live close to each other, but she only had to call and I was there.

About two years ago, and having been of the age where she had already gone through menopause, she started experiencing something that she hadn't for a few years. And while this woman didn't believe in going to doctors when she got sick (flu etc), she went without a squabble. A few tests later and she had cancer in her uterus. She had a hysterectomy done and undergone chemotherapy. Now, where she lived, the cancer treatment center wasn't just down the road. She had to live away from home while being treated. And as comfy as the place was, and even with the compassion and friendly atmosphere, she didn't like it, but had to endure, so she did so with her usual style. Just a bump in the road. She lost a lot of weight and had trouble with her feet afterwards, so that she had to use a cane, then a walker. She never had quite the same appetite for food either. She ate very little, but did manage to put a couple of pounds back on her small frame. She even managed to attack life with the same vengeance as before, even being slightly limited with her need of a cane and walker. She didn't go the yard sales as much as she used to, but she did manage to get out once in a while. The one thing she loved doing was finding trinkets and useful things at these yard sales. But her purchases were never for herself. Nope. It would be nothing to go up for a visit and she would whip out a jewellers box with earrings in it she thought I might like. Or a neat jacket she found for her grandson. A tool for this son or that one. You get the idea. If she spotted something that so-n-so would like or get use out of, she would buy it.

She got a clean bill of health not too long ago when she had to go back for a checkup on whether she remained cancer free or not. She was.

Then she started experiencing a pain in her tummy. She got checked. It wasn't an ulcer. She didn't have the flu or any other illness. They thought maybe it was just an infection of some sort and gave her antibiotics. Meanwhile, her legs, ankles, and feet swelled up badly. She went home, then she was back in the hospital again. Her legs were so swollen that they were actually hard to the touch, like there was cement in there. She had trouble getting around, but her spirits were still up and positive and this was just another bump in the road.

While she was in, they did more tests, took xrays etc. And because something unusual showed up on her xrays, they did a biopsy, but it would take time for the results to come back, so she went home. Her husband of 50+ years took care of her. Even though he had a triple bypass a few years previous, he took on the task of cooking and cleaning and laundry and such. He wanted her to just relax and get better.

Their son, my sons father, staying in constant contact with them, calling every couple days, for updates.

I got a call this past monday, the 5th, from their daughter saying mom had to be taken back to the hospital. T was crying on the phone and I immediately thought 'oh no'.

The results of the biopsy came back. Her cancer had come back and had spread. That quick. T says they're giving her about 3 months. But with the way this week has gone and the updates, I don't know that she'll live a month more.

So I find myself in the position of being strong and being there for her family, as much as I can be. And I will do what I need to do while they struggle through this. For her. She would hate it that she is causing her family so much grief and turmoil right now. And I do believe that if she could consciously make the decision to lessen the time they have to deal with this, she would. No, I don't mean physically, like causing her death herself. I mean, mentally. The will to die now, rather than later. The sooner they start to heal after her passing, the better off they'll be. She is like that.

** I typed this out Mothers Day weekend, with the thought of publishing it on Mothers Day. But I kept it in draft mode instead. I had only a few days previous found out she is terminal and my emotions about it were still running amok. I am revisiting this today, the 18th, to put in an update, and maybe publish it.

I went to see this lady in the hospital the day before Mothers Day. And what I had typed before, about consciously making the decision to lessen the time her family had to deal with her illness and eventual passing was right on. She's ready and wants to go. From what I had heard, she is hiding her pain and feelings from her family. Then I walked in the door and she broke down. She so hates what she is putting them through, she hates being like that and would rather have it end sooner instead of later. And I felt very useless, not knowing what to say, to put her at peace. All I could do was just let her cry and get what she was feeling off her chest, and tell her how much I loved her and that she was more a mom to me than my own mother.

I was talking to her son, my son's father, afterwards. My son and I had also seen the rest of the family that day, other than J and his wife. And I'm not sure how to explain it exactly, but it was the vibes I was getting from the others, but I tried to explain to him that because they are so close to the situation and being able to visit MM every day, that they are coming to terms with her eventually passing, that it's just a matter of when now. And no, I'm not saying it won't hurt like the dickens when it does happen, just with his mom being so sick, the time she is around for now will help lessen the pain. I also felt like God's plan was for the family to find strength within themselves for that fateful moment, that he was giving them time. (Of course, he argued with me on that, as usual - but that's another story)
The feeling from my son's father is that his dad will pass away shortly after his mom does also. And yet, I don't get that feeling from him. He definitely will be a lost soul without her, for sure, but he is a strong man. Besides, MM will kick his butt all around heaven if he shows up there too soon !

I do know it is very hard to watch someone die. You hate to see them in so much pain. But there is a reason for it. As hard as it is, it gives the family time to start the grieving process as well. Watching my great-aunt die from cancer was really hard, but when her time came, it was a blessing in that she no longer was sick or in pain and was actually easier to deal with her passing than might have otherwise been.

You still will miss them, knowing they won't be at the other end of the phone or sitting there reading a book or crocheting when you pop in for a visit. But there will always be the memories of the times you shared.

All I can say to MM is to be at peace. Your family will miss you, of course. How could they not? You were such a vibrant and loving mainstay in their lives. In my life, too. But they will be ok. They will remember all the good times and speak of you with love, waiting until they meet up with you again.

Note: On July 17th, 2008, at approx 11:30 pm EST/DST, this wonderful woman passed away in her sleep. I got the call from her husband at 6:10 this morning. There was so much I wish I could have said to him, but he kept the call very short. But that's even knowing what to say, other than to tell him how sorry I was.

With my son being special needs, I'm not sure how much he understood of his grandma and her illness, other than knowing she was in the hospital being taken care of by doctors and nurses. He knew she wasn't at home. When I told him this morning about his grandma passing away, that she is no longer at the hospital nor had she gone home either, I'm not sure how much he understood of it. But I do imagine it'll hit him when we go to see grandpa, and she isn't there. He always called her 'grandma' and my mother was always 'mom's mom'. That's how he saw the two of them.

M had made her wishes quite well known that she did not want a service of any kind when she passed. Just take her from the hospital, take her where she needs to go to be cremated, then put her in her niche. She enjoyed her life, and the visitors that came along, so she didn't want anybody to be standing around moping afterwards in an organized chaotic fashion. That isn't how she lived and she didn't want people to treat their memory of her like that.

One of the people I work with, said this morning of an aunt or his grandmother (I don't remember which) had always said 'give me flowers while I'm alive so that I could enjoy them and have you know I enjoyed them instead of giving me flowers when I'm dead and cannot see the beauty of them'. While I don't ever remember this lady ever saying something like that, she gave you an heirloom to see you enjoy it and treasure it, rather than leave it to you in a will. There would be no joy for either you or her if she did that. And that went for anything and everything she did.

Going to miss you Maw and I will see you again.

Say hi to my Aunt Flo for me please. Oh, get Aunt Flo to tell you about the olive when I was about two. I know you'll roll your eyes, knowing that it would be something I would do haha