Just to explain ...

.... where I've been. Why I disappeared for a bit from Multiply.

Some of you know that I had issues I was dealing with at home.
If it wasn't problems with my husband, it was problems with my parents.
And both were coming to a major fallout.

There were issues with my husband that didn't seem to get resolved, no matter what I said or did. I won't go into all the details of what was going on and how I was reacting to them and whatnot, but let's just say this woman before you was a very lost soul for a very long time. And part of that was because of the things from her childhood and how she was taught to internalize things rather than stand up for herself. That was a no-no growing up, and this woman married into the same situation as she left behind in her childhood home.

One thing I had been struggling with was how my husband got his priorities all screwed up when it came to our son. And while I hung in there for a few years more, it was all because I kept hoping that he'd finally see the light and recognize the error of his ways when it came to his son. Billy turned 25 this past February, and every day, for the past three years, he was asking if dad was going to work. When dad came home, unless something was on tv he was watching, he'd leave the room. They had no relationship whatsoever. And I'll put the blame squarely on dad's shoulders for that happening. He was the adult. He could have done things to improve the relationship, but he chose not too. He was too tied up in helping others instead. Which is well and good to volunteer your time like that, but not at the expense of your only child.

As for my parents, I always accepted I was their child (the oldest of 4) and I respected and honored them as such. But it didn't mean I wanted to be exactly like them either. So while I was trying to sort out things, what made me do some of the things I did as an adult (like marrying the man I did) and why I let certain things get to me like I do (I was taught well), I struggled for many years between wanting to be myself (I'm not a bad person and don't have criminal intentions) and doing what I was taught. Separating the two has been hard. And the more I tried to separate the two, the more my parents (mostly mom) fought to stop that from happening. I understand she's the oldest of three daughters and her home life was hell. I know that. She always vowed she would never raise her kids that way and wouldn't screw up her kids heads like they did hers. I am the oldest of two daughters and while I didn't get treated the way her family treated her, she did carry some of their teachings into her future and I got nailed with them anyways. I know that, but I can't make her see that.  Of course, it doesn't help that for so many years I wouldn't stand up for myself as I wasn't allowed to as a kid. Oh yeah, I got walked on a lot.

So, I was experiencing a lot of stress and tension when I wasn't on Multiply, or driving the school bus, or whatever. But it was always lying just under the surface anyways. For far too long than what was really healthy for me.

I ended up getting very depressed. Yeah, I do have a tendency to do that, but only for a day when it does happen. This time, it was for months with no end in sight, it seemed. I wasn't happy with life and what was going on in it. I wasn't happy that I was put in this position. I have a friend in Hawaii that insists that the fates determine what happens when and they'll do it in their own time. Well? I was getting very impatient and frustrated that it wasn't happening fast enough. (I've know for quite a while I wanted out of the marriage as it didn't seem to be improving any .. was getting worse)

In 2008, after another stressful day, and knowing I had to get up in the morning to climb into the bus and get the rugrats, I headed off to bed.

For the next four hours, I tossed and turned and carried on, not falling asleep. I had an uncomfortable feeling in my chest and I was convinced I was having a heart attack.

And I was depressed enough to not care that I was about to die.

Really.

My husband was just down the hall. I could have walked down the hall and tell him to call 911. In fact, at one point, I did get up to go to the bathroom. But I went back to bed to toss and turn some more. The living room was just another 15 feet around a corner.

I finally fell asleep. The alarm goes off, I get up, shower, make a cup of tea, drink it, and was out the door and down where I park the bus when it hit me that I woke up at all.

That's when I knew I had to do something. I had to make a major change in my life, no matter how hard it will be to do it. You got to remember, I don't stand up for myself as a rule. Standing up for myself would be to be too much like my mother. So yeah, it was going to be the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I had to do it.

My 27th wedding anniversary was coming up not long after that night .. a couple months maybe. I still hadn't made that major change yet. The three of us went out for dinner, but to the same cheap family restaurant that we went to on our 25th. And I tell you, it was so painful for me to sit through. We barely talked, let alone looked at each other.

Five days later, on the 12th, I walked in the door from my summer school run and I just knew by the look on my husbands face he was gearing up for another one of those discussions where I would be expected to apologize, promise to do better, and make all the concessions to improving our marriage while he made none. He turns to me and asks "how much longer is this going to go on between the two of us?' and while a lot of stuff flashed through my mind, one being to back down and give in again, in that instant, I looked at him and said 'until one of us moves out'. And when he asked if I was sure that's what I wanted to do, I still could have backed down, but that night still haunted me when I thought I was dying, so I said 'yes, I'm sure'. He asked if he could wait until after Christmas (the first christmas without his mom and she was a great lady) and I agreed to that.

Well, to make an already long story a little bit shorter, things weren't going as fast as I had hoped. I had made up a budget to know that the kid and I would be ok. But if it wasn't one thing, it was another, and it kept delaying him moving out.

All the issues were still there. Even with the fact that his wife didn't want to be with him anymore, and the talks on why it's happening, not one thing improved. Not even an attempt to fix things with his son.

I'm not sure I would have started to feel the frustrations and whatnot with Multiply that I started to feel if it wasn't for the other things happening (my mom started to turn up keeping control of me in a big and nastier way, my husband not moving out yet). And it sure didn't help when one contact went up one side of me and down the other over something I did not too long ago, when I was only trying to protect my interests here while I dealt with the other BS that was going on. I only needed some time. So walking away from Multiply for a bit was the easiest thing to do, all things considered. Even if I did hate doing it as it meant leaving you behind for a while.

Almost two weeks ago now, my husband said he had to leave at three, he had an appointment. I had a hunch (or was secretly hoping) it would be to view an apartment and talk to the landlord. He should be home about 6. So off to work I go. He got home about 7.

Later that night, he informed me he found an apartment (about 20 minutes or so away), one of two in a building, and that he'll be moving out August 1st. We talked about stuff. One thing he said was while he knew his son was intellectually challenged, he expected too much from him. He knows he can't take back what he did to his son, how he made his son feel, but he sure can try to fix it and make his sons life with dad in it a whole lot better. And I truly hope he does stick to his word this time. Now that he's finally recognized what happened and his part in it.

I haven't talked to my parents since Christmas day. I called to thank them for the christmas gifts they mailed to us (they live only 45 minutes away) and that had been opened just that morning, when dad answered the phone and started in on me. Yeah, I know he was only repeating my mothers rants and whatnot. Heaven knows he has to listen to it or get hell if he don't. But it was the first time in my life that I remember my dad making me cry. I ended up being afraid to call them as previous calls went the same way, but it's usually mom that gets on my case and makes me cry (the struggle to separate the conflict within) and all our calls seem to be like that for the past few years. So I've missed both their birthdays, Mothers Day, and Fathers Day is tomorrow and I won't call him. My sister moved to western Canada back in the early 90's and she sat down and wrote a letter to mom one day about what she thought was wrong in her childhood, and mailed it. They hashed things out that way and they're on better terms now. My mom wants me to do the same thing, but each attempt to writing that letter so far has just too much anger in it for my comfort. Would rather be a half-assed rational adult when I do it, then have all the angst and frustrations of everything that was going on in there too.

Now, I don't feel all that nonsense today, what with the news of my husband finally finding a place and have already started to go through things and pack up his stuff. Even finally weeded out clothes he hasn't worn in years and put them in a bag for donating to a charity that will sell them.

So maybe, I'll finally get that letter written. They might not be expecting what I will put in it, though. I don't know about hashing out the past. Just explain what the past did in my future. But I want them to understand that while they're doing all this with me, and not calling or visiting me while expecting me to call and visit with them all the time, and giving me hell because I'm not, they hung their grandson too. And that I don't appreciate the guilt trip attempts that I don't consider my son at all when I do anything. It's my fault they don't have a relationship with their grandson. But hey, I bit the bullet and attempt a reconciliation early last year. Had a talk with them about things, even if it wasn't a complete talk. Visited twice last year. Called several times, where I hung up crying, again. And then Christmas day happened. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I know you may not truly understand what all was going on. I left a lot out. Maybe there's a blog or two in the works where things will come to light for you. I don't know. And I won't promise I'll be here everyday just yet. But I will be popping in more often than I had been lately. And if I do a total disappearance again like that, it'll be because something has happened and I can't be here.

God bless you my friends. Thank you for waiting and not giving up on me and taking me off your friends list. My love goes out to each of you.

*hugssssssssssssssssss*

(for Dave, Sue, Snow, and Cal xo)