Knock knock .. anybody home?

Okay, I know. Disappeared again. This time it wasn't so long though. A lot of stuff .. aka crap .. I had to sort out. No, I haven't got it all sorted out, but think I'm finally on the right path about it all.

I was driving myself crazy with the stress and frustration over that second job I had. How the bosses 'would not say what they mean and would not mean what they say'. Saying one thing, and then not backing it up with action. That bugs me more than anything. Do not tell me what a caring and compassionate company you are, then leave me feeling like you just kicked my son to the curb by your actions. I spent seven-and-a-half months part time, three-and-a-half months full time, a month-and-a-half back at part time, only to be kicked out mid-August when I chose my son over them. They just figured I would throw Billy into a group home as he was 'inconvenient' for me to work full time afternoons. I know, the idea was you have other full time drivers over the barrel, where they have to kiss your backside to keep their job. I refused to do that. They lied from the get-go and I said enough is enough.

Then I was trying to figure out what my purpose ... what was really the intention .. of joining a few websites. Blogger ... FB .. Multiply ... G+ ... WordPress. I was running around those sites feeling like a lost soul. Okay, there was a purpose to it all, but it sure wasn't clear to me at first. The blogging sites? It was hard to get it through my thick head that people would read them. If they chose to read whatever I put there. So old habits and training were getting in the way. I was afraid I would offend someone, inadvertently, by whatever I put there. So I just didn't. Well, barely anyways. The past continued to haunt me still. And one does not ditch almost five decades of training overnight either. So this isn't a lightbulb instantaneous moment here.

First there was the quote my friend Jeannie turned me onto a few months back, when it came to dealing with those turkeys at my second job.

Your actions speak so loudly, I cannot hear a word you say.

I liked it enough that I used it as a signature at the bottom of my emails in my 'biz' account, so those turkeys would see it as part of any emails I sent to them.

Then there was a beginning post (for me anyways) by a friend about being a procrastinator, which was right before being an introvert. Okay, I knew I procrastinated a bit too much at times. Is the way I am wired. But introvert? I had to find out more about it. Once I did the search on the web and read up a bit more about introverts vs extroverts, then it made a bit more sense to me. Could never figure out why I wasn't the party animal type .. why I wasn't the prolific blogger and being comfy as that .. why I wasn't the chatty Cathy type. Oh, I did realize that walking in to a room full of strangers would cause a mild anxiety attack, but never knew why I could be so different. Introvert huh? Okay, I understand things better now. Doubt I'll ever be an extrovert or do a great impersonation of one either, but I can make an attempt to get out of that box I stuck myself in though. haha

I came here to Multiply one night, a few weeks back, and started going through my old posts. Re-read a lot of them. Remembering the feeling I had doing certain ones .. how much I enjoyed doing those particular blogs. Figuring out why I walked away from the United Friends Challenge blogs. Why I would feel like my poetry was never 'good enough'. Just because of the way I do them? Yeah, that bothered me .. my style. I came back several times to read them. What was it about those blogs I enjoyed doing? What was it about those poems?

Got talking to Jeannie one night via her AOL/my AIM messenger. I forgot how the whole conversation got around to it, but I signed into Multiply here to copy and paste those particular blogs and my poetry into emails for her to read. And we talked about them. The 'aha' moment for me didn't happen that night though. I still had to figure it out.

Then I got an inkling of what was going on. Never mind I was afraid of offending anybody. I was afraid there would never be 'approval'. Approval? What? But I still didn't quite get it. Until I saw this quote on the web by accident one day ...

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than write for the public and have no self.
Cyril Connolly (1903-1974)

AHA !!!

That's what made those particular blogs and my poetry special. I didn't do them seeking approval from anybody for them. I didn't worry about offending anybody when I did them either.  I was being my quirky self those times. Oh, I know, my quirkiness sneaks out from time to time elsewhere, but I was too hung up on writing for 'others' most of the time. The expectation they might get read. And not getting read was bumming me out badly. What would they think of what I wrote? I was too conscious of other people possibly reading my ramblings. I wasn't doing it for my self, for my own pleasure. 

Baby steps. I signed in today and immediately went over to the Sidewalk Cafe. After chuckling over the two 'picture challenge' blogs there, I decided to bring the third one here, to this place. Humor is a good place to restart. Humor and music. And maybe a bit of rambling from time to time :D